


Dry Your Eyes, My Flower

by HeroSavesPeople



Category: The Flash (TV 2014)
Genre: Angst, Barry and Iris's friendship through the years, F/M, Family, Fluff, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Love, Mild Language, Romance, more angst in part 2 than 1, very mild though
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-06
Updated: 2018-04-24
Packaged: 2019-04-19 09:25:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 14,543
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14234241
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HeroSavesPeople/pseuds/HeroSavesPeople
Summary: Iris through the years as she navigates the tragedies in her life.





	1. The Roots

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you to everyone who has shown support for my stories! Hope everyone like this one :D  
> This was born from the frustration that Iris's grief wasn't always explored. Plus, Iris West is the hero everyone needs.
> 
> Side note: I did take some creative liberties with the timelines, etc.

When Iris was five, she found her mother face down on the bathroom floor.

She doesn’t remember the details of that night—whenever she would think back on the time, the memories were blurry.  But, what she does remember with such poignant clarity is the cold, hard fear that rippled through her small body.  She had stood there frozen in horror for what felt like an endless stretch of time before she let out a deafening shriek that reverberated within the white laminate of the walls.

The warm glow from the bathroom light softened the harshness of her mother’s prone body lying there in a pile of her own vomit, but it did nothing to assuage the horrific sight before her.  She raced to her mother as fast as her short legs could carry her and dropped down to her knees, the freezing cold tiles harsh on her bones.  She paid no mind as she shook her mother with all her might, mustering up every bit of energy she could.  

“Mama!  Mama, wake up, please!”  Her heart quickened its pace the longer her mother laid there unresponsive.  She continued to shake her mother, her own body quivering with heaving sobs.  "Mama, please,“ she wailed, helplessly.  She looked around, hoping the phone was somewhere nearby, wanting desperately to call for her father, but afraid of leaving her mother alone.  What if something happened to her in the brief moments she left her?

When she had just made up her mind to prove why she was named the fasted girl in her grade, her mother mercifully stirred with a light groan, her gaunt features pulling in pain.

Tears dripped from Iris’s big brown eyes as she looked down at her mother with a startled gasp.  "Mama?”

Francine slowly stretched out and looked at Iris through heavy and bleary eyes.  "Iris?“ she rasped in a coarse tone.

"I’m here.”  She leaned her body over her mother’s torso, wrapping her small arms as far around her as she could, trying with all her might to keep her mother safe and secure.  "I’m here, Mama.“

Her tears seeped into her mother’s soiled top, the smell so strong and pungent it burned the hairs on her nostril, but again, Iris paid no mind.  She bathed in the relief of her mother being alive, safe and sound, her warm touch wrapping around Iris’s still trembling body.

"Oh honey, it’s alright, I’m alright.”  Her mother soothed weakly before slowly and with great difficulty getting up from the ground.  Iris held onto her mother despite the jostling, trying to temper down the whimpers that escaped from her lips.

She felt her mother gently nudge her and pull away and Iris reluctantly let go to look her.  She felt a pang in her chest as she took in the state of her mother.  Her mother’s once yellow pajama top was worn and soiled with regurgitate, trailing all the way down to her matching pajama bottoms.  Saliva continued to dribble down the corner of her mouth and with a weak arm, she swiped across her mouth, leaving a streak of spittle on her bare arm.

Despite her appearance, it was with great relief Iris saw that her mother was able to remain at least somewhat steady as she leaned against the bathtub.  Her hands ran up and down Iris’s arms, soothing away the goosebumps that had risen against her awareness.

She looked at her mother’s still bleary eyes in sadness.  The once beautiful and bright eyes were now dulled even as she tried to pull a weak smile for Iris’s benefit.

“Oh baby girl, you’re my sweet little girl, aren’t you? It’s alright, I’m just fine.  See?”  She tried to spread her arms wide, but they flopped down to her sides as though her arms were too heavy for even her to carry.

Iris sniffled and looked at her mother, forlorn.  "Mama, why did you get sick?  Should I call daddy?“

Her mother jerked, her eyes widening slightly, finally coming to life.  "No!”  The sound of voice seemed to have startled even her as they both jump at the loud echo.  She takes a deep breath before putting on a wide smile that quivers for a moment before settling.  She stretched her hand out and softly stroked Iris’s pigtails. “Sweetie, we don’t want to worry you father ok?  You know, he works so hard to provide for our family and the last thing we should be doing is worrying him for nothing.  Right?  We need to protect him.  Besides, if he finds out I’m sick then I’m going to have to go back to vacation and I’m not ready to leave you, my flower.”

Iris furrowed her brows in confusion.  "Vacation?  But, that’s good, isn’t it?  I can go with you this time!“

Her mother’s smile falters, her fingers stilling in their strokes against her hair.  "I’m afraid it would be a vacation I can’t take you on. Adults only.”

“Oh,” Iris said in a small voice, still not quite understanding what her mother was saying but knowing with all her heart she didn’t want her leaving.  "Ok, Mama, I won’t tell.“

"That’s my girl.  Now dry your eyes, my flower.  No more crying, ok?”

Iris nodded obediently and wiped away all traces of tears from her small face.  She rubbed her eyes until they were dry and looked at her mother, hopefully.  Her mother smiled in return.  "Now smile for me, love.“

Iris steeled herself and felt herself push her shoulders back the same way before she would begin track meets.  She looked at her mother’s smile and felt her lips slowly and tentatively pull back until she was smiling.

Her mother swiped a singer finger across her cheek.  "There you are.  You’re my strong little girl, aren’t you?”

There was a flicker of warmth in Iris’s chest, pleased at making her happy even as the heavy weight remained.  As she looked at her mother and kept the smile for her, Iris wondered what had happened to her mother.  

The mother that would laugh gaily and lift her over her shoulders with great strength.  What had happened to the mother that always dressed up even if she wasn’t going out because as she had said _You never need an excuse to look your best self._  Where was that mother?

She didn’t know, but what she did know was that she would keep smiling for her if that made her happy.  She would always smile for her mother even through the tears.  She would be her protector.

*******

It was two years later when Iris would find out that her mother had passed away.

It had been such a beautiful day despite the chill of the autumn air and she happily accepted Barry’s invitation to play in his backyard after school.  They had been guzzling down the fresh lemonade Nora made when the phone rang from inside the house. As Barry and Iris raced to see who could finish their lemonade the fastest, unable to keep the giggles at bay, Nora walked inside the house to answer the phone.

The sweet and tangy drink was delicious and it was a shame some was wasted as it dribbled down their smiling mouths, but Iris was nothing if not competitive.  She never did back down from a challenge even if it was her best friend that presented it to her.  She felt her heart swell at the sight of his happy face.  It was a nice change from the dreary air that had been surrounding her home the last two weeks.

She tried to push away the melancholy thoughts of what had happened that night two weeks ago, but the memory haunted her and every now and again she would find herself lost in thought in the middle of class or as she lay awake at night, staring out into the dark sky, searching for the light of the moon.

The only thing that really managed to take her mind away from the persistent fear was spending time with Barry and his wonderful parents who always treated her as their very own.  And ever since her mother had to go on “vacation” again—at this point, Iris had the nagging feeling that her mother wasn’t exactly going away to the Bahamas for a spa weekend—Iris craved being around the Allens more than ever.  The Allens, whose home was always filled with the warmth she missed in her own and managed to pull her away from the thought of her mother passed out on the couch.  The only thing that made her forget about the freezing cold seeping into her bones from the open windows and doors was listening to Barry ramble about solar eclipses, gravity, and god knows what else.

She had been winning her competition with Barry, who ended up choking on his giggles behind his glass when Nora walked up to the kids.  There was something about her stride that felt off but she couldn’t pinpoint just what it was as she smiled down at Iris with such affection.  She crouched down in front of Iris and rubbed a hand down her back, as though soothing her.  But, for what, Iris wasn’t sure.  

“Sweetheart, you father just called and said that he needed you to come home. I told him I’d take you, ok?”

“What?  No,  I didn’t get to show her my telescope yet, mom!” Barry protested after wiping his mouth with the sleeve of his jacket.

Nora looked at Barry and placed a placating hand on his shoulder.  "I know, honey, but Iris is welcome back any day so there’s always tomorrow, ok?“  She turned to Iris.  "I mean that sweetheart, any day you want to pop on by, I’ll come get you.”

And as Iris looked into the kind eyes of Nora Allen, she felt a lump form in her throat. “Thank you, Mrs. Allen.”

When Mrs. Allen walked Iris up to her door, telling Barry to stay in the car, Iris felt a sense of dread as she walked slowly up the steps.  And when she saw the look in her father’s eyes when he opened the door, she knew something bad had happened to her mother.  She had been waiting for this day.

Moments later as Iris sat on the couch stock still all she could do was look at her poor father who sat across from her on the coffee table with tears in his eyes as he delivers the news that her mother had passed away while away on “vacation.”  

“I’m so sorry, baby girl.”  He reached over and took her hand in both of his.  "I’m so sorry,“ he said in a broken voice that cut through Iris like shrapnel. Her father had been wearing the same worn look on his face for the past few years and it broke her heart.  She almost forgot what he looked like smiling.

The shock of finding out that her mother—her precious, beautiful, beloved mother—was no longer alive was hard to grasp.  The notion that her mother would never walk through those doors again was impossible to compute.

There were moments in the last few years where Iris would have this horrible, dreaded feeling deep in the cavities of her chest.  This daunting feeling that someone was really wrong with her mother.  But, none of those moments prepared her for _this_ moment.  _This_ instance in which she finds out her mother no longer existed in this world. 

It wasn’t fair.  They didn’t get enough time together. 

Even when her mother was sick and sad, Iris looked forward to the meager time she got with her.  The rare moments she would be home to braid her hair into pigtails before tucking her into bed were oh so treasured.  Because in those moments she felt loved, like she mattered and belonged to someone.  She felt the kind of joy she’d see in Barry’s eyes when his mother came to pick them up from school.

She felt that from her father every second she was with him, but with his odd hours of work, Iris spent most days alone and it was in those moments she’d wonder where her mother was.  Her father was out saving lives and helping people just as she hoped to one day, but where was her mother?  What was she doing?  Why wasn’t she with her?

But, she never felt angry.  Because somewhere deep down in her heart, Iris wanted to believe her mother loved her, that her mother treasured her just as Iris treasured her.

"She loved you with all her heart, you know that, right sweet one?”

Iris swallowed thickly and nodded.  _I loved her too_ she wanted to say.  But, the words were stuck in her throat as she fought back the storm inside her.  Because oh did she really love her mother.

And it was with that thought as she sat in the quiet with only the sounds of her father’s muffled cries, that Iris let a tear slip down her cheek.  How could she not?  Her mother was gone and every little girl needed their mothers.

(Years later, she would find that no, not every girl did.  Iris West sure didn’t.)

Joe saw the wetness on her cheek and brought her into his arms.  "Oh it’s going to be alright Iris, it’s going to be alright.  You’ve still got me and I’m never going anywhere, ok?  I’m never leaving you, baby girl.”

She felt her father’s tears against her shoulder and thought of her mother’s words. _Your father works hard and we need to protect him.  Dry your eyes, my flower._

And with a sniffle, Iris roughly wiped away the single tear until her eyes were dry.  She pulled back from her father’s embrace and put her small hands on either side of his wet face.  She looked into his sad eyes and saw all the love she knew he had for her.  Her father was always there to protect her and in that moment she knew he always would because even when he wasn’t there, Iris was secure.  Iris always knew he’d come home to her.  Iris knew he would always do what her mother couldn’t because he always did.   “It’s ok, daddy.  We’re going to be ok.”

She would make sure they were ok because she knew he would too.  She would be her father’s protector.

*******

It was three years after that her best friend would feel the loss of his own mother.  And by extension, the loss of a father who was wrongfully sentenced to prison.

Iris didn’t quite then know what had happened.  At least not right away.  All she knew was that one night, her father had come home with her best friend who stared into space with haunted eyes.  It was a frightening thing to see because Barry Allen was quite possibly the happiest boy she had ever met.  The first time they had met in Ms. Hinkle’s first grade class, he had the brightest smile and his eyes were so starry like he had just made the most magnificent discovery of his life.

(She would later find that in his eyes, she was that magnificent discovery)

The boy who stood before her was not the boy she met that first day or the boy that she knew well for the past few years. The boy who stood before her was broken and so fractured that the slightest touch would make him crumble.  She could feel it even then. So she stood close and watched him carefully as her father lead him to their spare bedroom and gently sat him down on the bed.  She followed after like a shadow, her eyes unable to leave Barry’s small stricken face while her father packed away Barry’s backpack.

Her heart felt like it was breaking at the sight and she could feel her eyes burn, warning her of the tears that would soon fall if she didn’t get ahold of herself.  This was her best friend, or rather her husband, she thought as she spots her dinosaur sitting at the end of her bed.  The same dinosaur that had officiated their marriage as they declared their eternal love and devotion to one another.

And it was with that thought that she sniffled discreetly and squared her shoulders.  Making sure her eyes were dry, she marched toward Barry and sat down beside him.  Sitting so close beside him, his fragility was so much more palpable and Iris was afraid he would break him if she touched him, but she did anyway.  She did anyway because maybe, just maybe she would be able to put him back together.

With a hesitant and careful hand, she slowly reached over toward him until she settled it atop his own.

She held her breath waiting for him to fall, but he didn’t.  She sighed inwardly and wrapped her fingers more securely around his cold one, hoping to warm him with her touch.  He remained stock still, his eyes never straying from the wall in front of him as though transfixed by an imaginary projector.  As she took in his haunted eyes she wondered if he was reliving some kind of horror.  The only indication that he was aware of her presence was in the slight way his own fingers jerked against hers, curling just a tiny bit into her.  

She wanted to call out to him, pull him away from his thoughts when her father turned around from the dresser with a sigh.  She reluctantly pulled her gaze away from Barry and looked at her father.  Still, at a loss and still uncertain as to why her best friend was the way he was, she looked at her father prepared for anything.  Whatever it was, she would be ready and strong.

“Sweetheart, Barry is going to be staying with us for awhile.”

She nodded slowly, her head moving in small movements.  "Ok,“ she said softly, her fingers tightening ever so slightly around Barry’s as her heart thudded painfully in her chest.  Something had happened to Nora and Henry.  The sweet mom and dad who always treated her kindly and with so much love as though she were their own.  Something had taken them away from Barry.

Her father looked at her in some kind of relief. Maybe because he was relieved she understood without having to utter the words out loud, maybe it was relief because she set aside her usual stubborn streak and decided to not ask questions for once, maybe it was relief that he himself was there for her in a way Barry’s father couldn’t be there for him.  She didn’t know, but either way, she was relieved she had him too.  

Joe walked toward the pair and crouched in front of Iris.  He looked meaningfully into her eyes, knowing she would understand.  Knowing she would be the strong person he knew her to be.  "I’m going to get some more things.  Watch over Barry for me, ok?”

Iris swallowed the lump in her throat and nodded again.  "Always.“

Her father smiled sadly at her, but there was a hint of pride in his eyes. He squeezes her shoulder once before heading out of the door, leaving the pair in a heavy silence.

The silence was deafening and she could hear the heavy thumps of her own heartbeat _Lub-dub_.   _Lub-dub. Lub-dub._ She slowly turned toward Barry and watched his profile as it remained unflinching and still.  She had to bring him back from the living nightmare, she had to bring him back to her.

"Barry,” she said softly and her voice sounded odd even to her own ears.  As if it had been years since she last spoke without seeing a drop of water. "I’m here.  Whenever you’re ready.“

He remained still and then ever so slowly turned his hand in hers until their fingers laced together, blinking.  He said nothing and he didn’t look away from the wall ahead, but something in the way his body shifted, Iris knew he heard her.  And for now, that was enough.  She shifted closer and leaned her head on his shoulder, hoping he would feel her warmth, hoping that she would have the ability to heal him.

Iris didn’t know if Barry would break out of his trance or what the future would bring, but what she did know what that he was her best friend, her husband, and she vowed to love and protect him through thick and thin.

And she would do just that.  She would be her best friend’s protector. 

*******

Iris was fifteen when she came home after cheer practice only to find Barry missing.

She already knew that Barry was going to miss school that day for his father’s parole hearing.  She had desperately wanted to be there for him, but Barry was adamant against letting her go.  He was being overprotective and told her that there would be another hearing right before his father’s, a convicted rapist, and he didn’t want Iris anywhere near the courthouse.  Iris had rolled her eyes and reminded him exactly who he was talking to.

"You do know I’m trained, right?  With a killer right hook that once knocked you out?”

Barry nodded with a roll of his own eyes accompanied by a small smirk. "Trust me, I remember, West.  But, please?  Just this once, I’ll be ok.  Besides, you can’t miss your French mid-term this time.  Madam Posey isn’t going to be giving you any more favors.“

"Ugh, don’t remind me.  Souhaite moi bonne chance!”

Barry chuckled, shaking his head.  "I have no idea what you just said, but good luck.  I know you’re going to kill it.“

Iris smiled back at him brightly, hoping her positive energy would rub off on him and bring him his own luck.  She stepped forward and gave him the biggest hug, squeezing him tight.  He playfully groaned in protest, but squeezed her back just as tight, his laughter filling her ears pleasantly.  "Good luck, Bar,” she said softly against the shell of his ear.  He shivered in reply and Iris pulled away to frown at him.  "And don’t forget your coat,“ she said, straightening his tie.  He had gotten all dressed up in his best black slacks, white dress shirt, and a black tie with thin red stripes.  Iris shook her head with affection.  _What a cutie._

He chuckled nervously, fidgeting with his tie.  "I-I won’t.”

Iris hefted her backpack over her shoulder and looked at him one last time, flashing him a bright smile.  "You look great, by the way.“   And with that, she heads out the door, completely missing the way he looked after her with doe eyes and rosy cheeks.

The school day passed relatively quickly despite the nerves thrumming in her veins.  Iris had wanted to text Barry throughout that day and find out what was going on, but she decided to just let him know she was thinking of him instead of prying for information.  She had only stayed for cheer practice for barely fifteen minutes for the sake of making appearances before heading home, anxious to see how Barry was doing after the hearing.  She hadn’t heard back from him since his last message. _Dad’s next, heading inside now._

She was growing concerned that Barry hadn’t texted her back or at the very least let her know that he made it home.

As she walked through the front door, she called out to him.  "Barry!”  She looked around the empty living room and walked through the rooms on the lower level.  She knew her father was working another overnight shift so it was just her and Barry at home to take care of dinner. Maybe they would just polish off the last of Grandma Ester’s noodle.

Just the thought of it made her mouth water, but she held off inhaling food before she found Barry and made sure he was ok.

She raced up the stairs and passed the open bathroom door on the way to Barry’s.  She knocked on Barry’s door gently and called out softly. "Barry?“

No response and at this point Iris felt wary.  Where the hell was he?

She was just about to check her father’s room when she stopped and thought for a moment before rolling her eyes at herself.  Of course.

She walked back down the hallway and toward her room.  She whipped open her door and sure enough, there he was.  Well, not quite in her room, but through the open window, she saw Barry sitting outside on the roof, still wearing the clothes from earlier that day. His shoulders were hunched into himself, his arms wrapped around his knees that were pulled up to his chin.

His back was to her, but something in his demeanor, in the way his whole body was sagging, Iris knew he wasn’t ok.

She let her tense hand drop slowly from the doorknob as she walked into her dark room toward him.  She climbed through the open window, feeling the breeze swipe across her bare stomach.  Her cropped hoodie and sweatpants were good for cheer practice, but as the temperature began to drop with the setting sun, Iris shivered in the late afternoon air.

She knew he could hear her coming up behind him, but he didn’t move.  He sat still, his chin resting on his knees as he looked out into the neighborhood.  Iris had the perfect view of the entire neighborhood and would often come out here when her room felt too stuffy with dark thoughts.  It had been her safe haven ever since she was young and when Barry came to live with her, she shared it with him too.

She settled down beside him, mimicking his posture and not saying a word. He would talk when he was ready and she would be right there waiting.

After a long stretch of silence he finally spoke, his voice raspy.  "Hi.”

“Hey,” she murmured back, quietly.

“How did your French test go?”

Iris held back a sigh and gave him what he needed.  A momentary distraction from his thoughts.  "It went well.  I aced it actually. Madam Posey graded it right after I took it.“

His lips curled ever so slightly.  "That’s great.  I knew you’d do amazing.”

“Thanks.”  She studied his profile for a moment, willing him to speak to her.

She took in the hard set of his jaw and his red-rimmed eyes.  Clearly, it hadn’t gone well.  And if she was being honest with herself, she didn’t have high hopes that Mr. Allen would be offered parole, but she would never dare say it to Barry.  She would never dare disrupt the hope he held in his heart.  It was one of the things she loved about him most.

“How was cheer practice?  You came home pretty early.”

“Barry,” she said softly, stopping him.  She unfolded her legs and turned toward him.  "Barry.”  She left the words unspoken because he already knew what she was asking.

Barry shakes his head and shrugs.  "What else is there to say?  You know what happened.  He got passed over for parole,” he said like it was nothing.  "I mean, it’s not like I was expecting anything different.“

But, he had hoped.

"Still.  I know it can’t have been easy.  To hear—”

Just then her phone buzzed from her sweatpants pocket, cutting her off but Iris made no move to pull it out.  She opened her mouth to speak but the buzzing remained persistent.

Barry turned to look at her, dropping his knees until his long legs were stretched out in front of him.  "You should see who that is.  Could be Joe.“  His eyes stayed on her, roving over her for the first time since she sat beside him.

Iris heaved a sigh before digging into her pocket and taking out her phone. Her lips pulled into a frown before ending the call.  Moments later her phone began to buzz again.

"Not Joe, I’m guessing.”

“No, it’s just Michael.  He wanted to meet up after practice for ‘closure’,” she said putting up air quotes.  "But, I really don’t know if we need that.  We barely dated for three months.“

She pressed the end button again and then changed the setting to "block contact".

"Iris,” Barry said sadly, making her look up from her phone.  "You don’t have to stay here for me. I don’t want to keep you away from your obligations.  Especially since I’m the reason you two broke up.“

Iris rolled her eyes and shifted closer to him until she could rest her legs over his.  "You are not the reason we broke up, he is.”

He looked at her forlornly, his fingers unconsciously fiddling with the seam on her sweatpants. “Yeah, but it’s because of us and how close we are.”

Iris smiled at him with such tenderness.  "I love how close we are.  And I love you, Barry,“ she said sincerely, lacing their fingers together. She brought their joined hands up to her chest, covering his hand with both of hers.  "You’re my best friend in the whole world and if a guy that wants to be with me can’t live with you being in my life, then I don’t need that person.”

(She would later find that was one of the instances he wanted to tell her he was madly in love with her.  That as he stared into her beautiful brown eyes and saw the truth in her words, he felt the cracks in his heart mending just a little bit more.)

He opened his mouth as though to say something but all that came out was a breathed, “ _Iris.._.”

“Barry,” she said softly.  “Will you talk to me?”

He looked at her for a long moment, his eyes filling with tears.  “Iris,“ he whispered shakily.  "It was so awful today, all those things they said about him.  Calling him a monster…” Barry broke off, giving into the sob that was building in his chest.  Tears dropped heavily from his eyes. "They’re not true,“ he said earnestly.

Iris pulled their joined hands closer until Barry was leaning against her.  She wrapped her arms around him tightly as she rested her head against his. "Oh honey, I know.  I know, Barry, I believe you.”

It was as though that was all he needed to hear because he quickly shifted until he could wrap his arms around her waist and bury his head in her neck.  

“You’re the only one who does.”  He breathed into her neck, the tears from his cheek trailing down her throat.  She squeezed him in time with the clench in her heart, feeling his pain as her own.

“I remember your father pretty well, Bar.  I remember what he was like, how much he absolutely loved and adored your mother.  Any man that held even an ounce of what he did for your mother would never be capable of what they’re saying.”

Barry let out a shuddering sob as he burrowed in Iris’s embrace, nodding against her.  He held onto her desperately, his fingers clawing into the fabric of her hoodie, clutching her to him as if his life depended on it.  Iris’s heart broke, feeling his pain deep in her bones. She held his trembling form in her arms, running her fingers soothingly through his hair.  She wanted to cry right there with him because goddamn, it was wrong.  What happened to the Allens was so horrifically cruel and it wasn’t fair that this beautiful boy with his big heart had to sit here suffering.  Why had the world had been cruel to them?  If there was a God out there, why was the purpose?

She felt helpless, wishing she could be his hero and magically bring back his mother, bring back his father from prison and restore their beautiful family.  But, she couldn’t.  She wasn’t a god, she wasn’t a magician but she was his best friend.  So far now, she’d run her fingers through his hair and rock him gently, pressing a kiss to his hair.  She’d hold him together when he couldn’t and make sure none of his pieces were lost. 

“Breath.  I’ve got you, Barry,” she whispered, trying to keep the tears from her voice.  "Let it all out, I’ve got you.“

"I have to find him, Iris.  I have to find him,” he said in a hard voice.

The Man in Yellow.  Iris said nothing as she slowly slid further down until she was lying on her back, holding Barry close.  He follows her movements and rests his head on her chest, his hand sliding across her torso to wrap around her waist.  The trusting gesture makes her heart constrict and she squeezes him once more.

She keeps the steady rhythm of brushing her fingers through his hair until his erratic heartbeat slows and is no more than a solid and steady _tha-thump_.  His breathing evened out and soon Iris knew he had finally given in to the exhaustion and fallen asleep in the protection of her arms.

She held onto him as she stared out into the night sky, searching for the moon.


	2. And Now I'm Here

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Iris's steel only strengthens with each new calamity.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading! I was uncertain how this would be received and I so very much appreciate every kind word ♥

It would be ten years later that she would almost lose her best friend.

The night she received the phone call that Barry was taken to the emergency room, it felt as though her whole life had been tilted on its axis.  Nothing in her life terrified her as much as the thought of losing her best friend, her Barry.  Her Barry with his sunshine smile, her Barry who carried the weight of the world on his shoulders, her Barry with his big heart who was always running toward danger if it meant saving others.

What would she do if she lost her partner in crime, her everything?

She could barely let herself think the words as she ran down the halls of the emergency room.  She heard the murmurs of a Barry Allen brought in after being struck by lightning and followed them with desperate strides, racing to see him and pleading all the while.   _Please, please, God, don't take him away from me.  Please, not Barry._  Was there a God, she didn't know, but she'd plead with anyone that would listen.

She saw a flash of thick brown hair being wheeled down the corridor and without a thought, she raced after the gurney with the pale boy lying atop.  The tears that she had been trying so hard to keep in bay flooded her eyes

"Barry!" She cried in anguish.  She hadn't even realized the sob had bubbled up her throat and past her lips.  She raced over to him without a thought because she always would.  No matter where they were or what was happening, she would always come running to him.

But with a jerk, she was stopped from getting any closer.  She didn't know who it was nor did she care because all she could see in front of her was Barry being taken away from her, looking as pale as death.

"You can't be here."

"I'm family!" she protested. He's my family.

She stumbled away when the door shut after her as the nurse kept pushing her further away.  "Look, I'm sorry.  I know this is hard, but you need to let us do our job now."

Iris barely registered the words as she walked in a trance, the tears cascading down her cheeks.  In that moment she couldn't bring herself to care about anything, in that moment she let herself break down because…because this was _Barry_. _Her_ Barry with his blinding smile, his boyish charm, his compassionate, loving heart.  He was the light that made their tenuous house a home when he came to live with her and her father.  He was her confidant, the one person who she could always turn to without fail, knowing that he'd be right there standing by her side, ready to lend an ear or a shoulder.

He was the light that erased bad days, that kept her cracked heart soft and glowing, that reminded her there were still good and pure things left in the world.  He was the one that made her _believe_.

She would later come to find that Barry hadn't died but fallen into a coma.  It wasn't the happiest of news but she would take it.  She would take any other alternative that didn't result in losing him for the rest of her life.  There was still hope.  And for as long as Barry Allen's heart kept beating, she would fight for him and she would be there to welcome him home when he returned.

It was that thought that kept her strong in the next nine months.  It was that thought that that kept her eyes dry when she needed to take care of Barry.  When she came to visit him to tell him about her day because she couldn't break routine just because he was in a coma.  And she needed him to know that was going to be waiting for him when he woke up.

When Harrison Wells suggested bringing Barry to Star Labs, she didn't hesitate in agreeing with her father.  In some strange way, it made her feel all the closer to Barry and calmed her in those tremulous times.  Knowing that the man  Barry respected and admired so wholeheartedly was going to be responsible for his care, made Iris feel secure in a way she hadn’t been expecting.  She always trusted Barry's intellect, god only knew he was the most brilliant person she had ever met.  If he respected and trusted Harrison Wells, then so would Iris.  So when Barry was successfully transferred to Star Labs as a patient, Iris felt more hopeful than she had in a long while. 

And it was that burst of hopefulness in the midst of the dark cloud over her head that made her spontaneously say yes to Eddie's invitation to dinner.  That and the urging from her father to live her life, reminding her that Barry wouldn't want Iris to put everything on hold just because he had to temporarily.  Although, she doubted her father had wanted her to live her life with his recently assigned partner but there was something…nice about Eddie.

Maybe it was something about his sweet smile, his boyish charm, or his difficult past as a bullied young boy that had felt familiar.  Maybe at the time, she felt it was the closest she could get to having her best friend around.  Whatever her reasons were, somewhere along the way she had fallen in love with him.  She had fallen for his ridiculously cobalt blue eyes that she felt like she could get lost in for days.  She had fallen for his passionate soul that she could feel in every touch and in everything that he did, for her and for the city they both loved so much.

But, even as she spent her days with Eddie, her thoughts never strayed far from Barry and the day he showed up at Jitters, awake and healthy, Iris could have sworn she could feel her whole life ostensibly brighten.  Even then she knew that despite the fact she had fallen in love, she would never be quite whole without Barry Allen.  She would never feel the light and the warmth of life without him.

And she knew then that she was stronger because of him.  She would be able to keep running as long as she kept him in her heart.

 

*******

When she finds out that her best friend was The Flash all along, the shock of electricity she felt on her fingertips traveled through her whole body as she stood frozen on that bridge.  Everything she thought she had known the past year felt like such a lie.  The masked hero that made her stomach flip pleasantly, the man in red that flirted almost shamelessly with her, whose attentions made her feel simultaneously giddy and guilty was her best friend all along.

All those nights she'd meet him up on the roof of Jitters, keeping their rendezvous a secret from Eddie came rushing back and Iris could feel the heat fill her cheeks with anger and embarrassment.  What a fool she had been, having a crush on a superhero who only gave her attention because he felt sorry for her pathetic excuse for a journalistic career.  No, worse, who had only given her any attention because he was worried she was too fragile to handle the truth and needed to be protected.

She remembered the thrill she had gotten every time he whooshed to her in a flash of red lighting, blowing her hair everywhere.  She couldn't even get annoyed that the efforts of styling her hair were ruined because of it, all that mattered what that he was there.  That he came rushing as soon as she sent the signal to him.  Those moments he had been protective of her, Iris wondered why he came for her, why he chose to be her personal guardian angel.

Try as she might, it was hard to deny the way she responded to his presence, to the intensity of his eyes, the heat of his body as he stood close to her back.  In those moments, she wondered fleetingly what he felt like, what it would be like to touch him and feel his touch.  Little did she know she already knew and the guilt that she felt for crushing on someone that wasn't Eddie only grew when she did find out it was Barry.  Because Barry was in love with her and Eddie knew this, but what he didn’t know was that some part of her had felt…something for Barry.  Even if she didn't know it was him at the time, what she felt for The Flash made all the more sense and she felt such surge of frustration that she shoved any signs of those emotions into a dark corner of her heart.

Iris was a believer in controlling her own destiny and she wouldn't let anyone determine the trajectory of her life.  There were enough people in her life that dictated what was or wasn't right for her.  She was sick and so damn tired of everyone telling her what she should feel, what she should do, what was right, what was safe.

Enough, enough, _enough_.

So, she confronted Barry and let him know that she was no longer fooled.  She would no longer be fooled.  And when Eddie was liberated from the clutches of Eobard Thawne and tried to push her away because some psychotic killer told him that she would end up with Barry instead, she said screw that.  She was sick of everyone knowing what was best for her more than she did, she was sick of everyone taking away her voice and the more they tried, the louder she'd be.

So she said screw that bullshit and reclaimed her fate.  She would be the master of her own decisions.  It didn't matter that there was a flicker of wonder at the thought of being married to Barry, it didn't matter that he looked at her with those adoring eyes she loved so much.  He didn’t get to decide her fate just like Eddie didn't.

And so she set aside those feelings she had kept locked up, the unspoken ones, and vowed to marry Eddie.  For better or worse.  It didn’t matter that there was that beat in her heart that spoke Barry's name.

 

***

Soon after would lose her fiancé.  Eddie Thawne.  The future Mr. Iris West.

Or not.

 _Eddie.  Eddie…Eddie_.  Sometimes she would just think of his name running through her mind.  Every second she spent in their shared apartment, it would echo in her thoughts.  And every so often, his name would be interspersed with the image of the ugly splotch of bright red blooming on his chest.  Those dazzling eyes that she'd get lost in were dimming in brightness by the second.  She could see it happen before her eyes and even when she's asleep she's haunted by them.  How they had gone vacant just after he uttered those raspy words that broke her heart.

_He was wrong.  Turns out I was a hero all along._

_You are.  You are my hero._

_That's all I've ever wanted.  To be your hero._

Every time she heard those words in her head again, it felt like a stab in her gut.  It made her questions whether she was a good girlfriend.  She was barely a fiancé long enough to be a crappy one, but was she a good girlfriend?  Did Eddie feel treasured the way she did with him, did he feel the love she had for him?

Because she really did.  She did love him.  She knew that Eddie had had insecurities about coming second to Barry but Iris had always fought to make sure he knew he was loved and came first in her life even if there was a twinge deep down inside her that disputed that.  Even as she felt the echoes of Barry within her while she was with Eddie.   

But, Eddie was going to be her husband, her future.  They had plans.

Plans to one day save up to buy a house in the country for a summer home, plans to have kids who would have her eyes and his dazzling smile, plans to grow old together.  It didn't matter that in each of those plans, Barry wasn't too far from Iris's thoughts, unconsciously making plans on his behalf.  Plans she thought were perfectly normal like to have Barry stay with them at their summer home or to be the godfather to their children and to be placed in the same senior home so that she could grow old beside her best friend.

Looking back now, she recognized Eddie's tight smile for what it was when she giggled and said.  "Wouldn't it be hilarious if you, Barry, and I all ended up in the same senior home after our kids threw us in one?  Bar would be so sweet with everyone, buddying up with all the staff and we'd have to tell him to reign it in or they'd play favorites during bingo."

"Well, Barry would have a wife and kids of his own and who knows what they'd choose for him."  Eddie had said.  "For all we know we could be living in totally different states by that time."

It was Iris's turn to let her smile wane as she thought of that.  All Iris had ever wanted was Barry to find the greatest love who treasured him more than life itself.  But, suddenly envisioning him living that life apart from her left an ache in her that she didn't want to think about.  Especially, not then as she sat beside the love of her…well her love.  The man who she had given her heart to and promised to commit to.  She was happy and she wanted that for Barry too.

So Iris basked in Eddie's love, feeling how much he absolutely _adored_ her and wanted nothing more than to be her hero.  She knew in her heart that he was.  Always would be.  Because, despite the abuse Eddie faced at the hands of bullies growing up and his own father's derision, Eddie always sought to do the right thing, always ran to help people.  And every time she was around him, she felt it in her that he would do anything to protect her and the city.

And then, just like that, he was gone.  In one fell swoop, in one snap decision, all of that was gone.  Months of planning, two years and four months of building a life with someone with the hopes of growing that into years to come…gone.

Gone, gone, gone.

They couldn't even have a proper burial.  His body was forever lost in…well, she didn't even know where.  Space?  Some other realm?  Some nights that thought alone was enough to make her queasy and her head to pang with the onslaught of a headache.  Because his body was something tangible, something real that she could touch and see one last time in peace before he was taken six feet below.  But, no that was no such thing in this case.  Instead, Eddie was stuck somewhere six hundred, six thousand miles into the sky or…she didn't even freaking know.  He was lost somewhere she would never be able to reach or visit.  Because every time she would go to visit his grave, she wasn't going to Eddie.  His tombstone was a lie.  "Here lies Eddie Thawne.  Beloved son, partner, and hero.  May he rest in peace."  What bullshit.  There was no one there, there never would be.

When Iris met with the stone etcher, she had felt shaky.  Eddie's parents were away in another country when they received news of their son's death.  They had been making arrangements to travel back to the states when she last spoke to them, but this meant the responsibilities had fallen on her.

And Barry, bless his soul, despite the pain in his,  stood by her.  She'd go through the motions under his watchful eye and she wasn't aware of it at the time, but she had really needed it.  His presence alone was a salve to her messily stitched wounds.

The rare moments she wouldn't be able to look into his eyes—never because she blamed him but because she didn't want him to see her pain and carry it as his own.  She could already see the weight of the world on it.  She could see the harsh guilt that resided in him.

But Barry Allen had seen enough pain, endured enough pain, he sure as hell didn’t need to borrow hers.

(She knew he was in love with her, but she didn't know just how willing he was to carry all of her pain on top of his own.)

At the funeral, against her own volition, she stiffly stepped away from her father's arm around her shoulder and walked toward the open grave.

When she stood in front of his open gravely, Iris looked down at the casket she chose for him blankly.  This was supposed to be a moment to commemorate his life and death and yet there was no damn body.   _Eddie, Eddie, where are you?  Where did you go?  I'm so sorry._

And without warning, her face crumpled in pain as tears fell down her eyes.  She could feel the lump in her throat growing bigger and bigger until she needed to expel it.  The urge to retch took over and Iris turned away, running across the cemetery, ignoring the cries of her father calling after her.

She ran until she was out of sight behind a large tree and let out dry heaves that choked her.  Her body desperately tried to expel the toxins in her body that was causing it physical stress, but there was nothing in her body to expel.  There was nothing in her body that was the culprit.  It was just a broken heart.

She was gasping for air, spitting out residual saliva when she felt someone walk up behind her.

She takes a deep breath and abruptly clams up, trying to get herself together.  But, it was too late.  Even with her back turned, she could feel the energy in the air, the slight crackling she felt on her skin that she always felt connected to his presence.

"Iris."

She took several deep breaths as he tentatively stepped closer, as though afraid of crowding her.  She was frozen in shame because the one person she didn't want seeing her in pain was, of course, the one there to watch her fall.      

"Iris."

Iris sniffled and wiped away at the wetness in her eyes that the dry heaves had caused.  She tried to erase the traces of her distress even if she knew they would be in vain.

She felt a soft touch on her back, so careful and gentle she thought she would break apart.  "Please, don't hide from me. You don't ever have to hide from me."

"I'm ok."

There was a sigh as hands came around her and turned her to face him.  She didn't want to look at him.  Maybe if she didn't look at him, he wouldn't see what was happening to her.  But, who was she kidding?

"It's ok that you're not."

She finally tilted her face up, meeting his eyes.  "I don't want you to carry my burden."

He looked at her with such melancholy with a hint of disbelief as he shook his head.  "Don’t you know?  I will always want to.  Even if I had a choice I would gladly do it because it meant you would be spared.  I wish I _wish_ I could carry it for you."

He slid his hands up her arms until they were gently framing her face, touching her with a softness that only Barry ever could.  She had done a good job of holding back her tears after that night Eddie died.  She had done a good job of pasting on a smile when she needed to, reassuring her friends and family that she was ok.  And in her mind, she thought she was.

But, standing there on that gloomy afternoon with her best friend's touch on her skin, she felt this warmth that made her feel…everything.  The floodgates opened then with the feel of his skin on hers because that niggle at the back of her mind that she did a good job of ignoring rose a little higher to the surface.  That thing that she had been ignoring, that she couldn't make sense of was guilt.

Guilt.

In the midst of everything, there was that feeling, but she didn't know why it was there.  What was she guilty about?  She had led a happy and loving life with Eddie.  She was faithful to him…right?

As she stood there, under Barry's always watchful and loving gaze, she knew why.  She wasn't quite ready to admit it then, but she knew the origin of that poisonous feeling.  Because while she had led what she believed to be a happy life with Eddie, it wasn't an honest one.  She knew that ever since that Christmas that Barry had poured his heart out to her leaving her completely and utterly confused, his words were tattooed to her heart and brain.  Even in the midst of a hectic day that kept her mind occupied, he was always a whisper of a thought that never left her.

One restless night Iris found herself dreaming of him.  Being with him in a way she had never imagined being with Barry, in a way that left her flushed with shame as her heart raced.  She had woken up with wistfulness and a longing that made her pull away from Eddie's embrace with an uneasy feeling in her stomach.

That's what made it all the worse.  That when Eddie died there was a moment where she felt like she was in limbo.  That despite the sinking feeling in her chest after his death, she felt this horrifying relief that it wasn't Barry taking his place.

Iris remembered the dreadful fear that took over her body when she saw the face of Harrison Wells braced to kill Barry.  She remembered how she had pleaded desperately for him to be spared.   _Not Barry, not Barry, not Barry.  Please, please don't take him away.  I can live with anything but not this._ She was praying for a miracle and it had come true in the form of her fiancé taking his own life.  How twisted and cruel were the fates?

Still, she couldn't fight the relief that she felt every time she saw Barry's guilt-ridden face in the aftermath.  She got to keep her best friend, at least.  But, the man she had promised to commit to and marry was not the man that could give her that same relief.  So she lived with that poison inside her and submerged herself in the grief because he deserved that much.  He deserved to be properly mourned and remembered just as he had deserved to be loved…the way she loved Barry.   

"Iris."

Barry's voice broke her out of her thoughts.  She had been looking at him almost unseeingly in a way that scared him.

"Please, talk to me."

And it was with that plea that Iris let the tears fall, cascading down her cheeks and onto his thumbs that were ready to wipe them away for her.  He gripped her firmly as she stumbled back against the tree, her hand coming up to clutch his wrist. His skin was so warm despite the chill of the hair, a perk of being a Speedster she supposed.

He leaned in close, his forehead almost touching hers as he wiped away her tears.

Iris let out a shuddering breath, knowing that she couldn't tell him the whole truth.  She just wasn't ready and he deserved better than a grieving almost-widow professing her confusing feelings for him.  She wasn't even quite sure what she wanted right then.

"I just don't-it's all so strange.  Everything happened so fast and now he's lost, Barry.  He's gone somewhere…and I've had to lie to his parents.  Not that they care, I mean how long does it take to get a flight out here?" She said shakily.  "Nothing makes sense, how did we get here?"

And the look on his face broke her heart all over again.  His thinly veiled anguish and remorse that he tried so hard to keep from her, but she saw through anyway.  She was his best friend after all, she'd always know.  But those eyes stared at her telling her the words he wouldn't speak to her.  Especially not right then.   _It's my fault.  It's all my fault and I'm so sorry.  I'm the reason you're suffering._  He would leave those words unspoken because her anguish will always come first to him.

"Eddie was a man of honor, a hero," he said after swallowing thickly.  "He would always run toward danger if it meant saving the city that he loved, saving the woman he loved."  The words staggered out of his mouth as though he was trying to convince himself of them too.  Oh he believed whole-heartedly that Eddie was a hero through and through, but he believed that if it wasn't for him, Eddie would still be alive.  "He saved this city, Iris.  He saved us all."

Regardless, he was right.  Eddie Thawne was a hero.  It was a word that had been tossed around in the wake of his death countless times but hearing it from the mouth of Barry, The Flash, and the man that had always been hero, there was something in the way he said it that resonated with Iris.  Because in the midst of her mourning, she hadn't really thought about the consequences of Eddie's actions.  Yeah, she had lost her fiancé, but she also got to keep her family, her home.  That was because of him.

And the man staring back at her with his glassy green eyes.  The man who carried the weight of the world on his shoulders and would carry the weight too even if it wasn't his burden to carry.  In that moment as she looked up at him, his hair blowing in the wind, his eyes filled with barely masked despair and that ever present love, Iris knew he had a long journey ahead of him.  There would be more adversaries to face, more trauma, more grief, more disaster.  But, with every new challenge, she knew without a doubt that he would keep running toward it if it meant saving people.

And she would stand by him every step of the way.

She didn't know what it was in her gaze that he saw, but suddenly he straightened and pulled her into his arms.  He held her tight, his warm breath heating her cold skin.  "I'm sorry, Iris," he finally breathed.  "I'm so sorry.  I don't know if I can take away your pain, but I need you to know that I will never leave you.  I will always be here."

(He would later confess to her in the safety of their bedroom that he fought hard to keep the tears at bay for her.  He wanted to be her iron support for once.)

And as Barry held her in his arms, she pressed her ear tight against his rapid heartbeat and she knew that she had to make sure that heart kept pumping strong and true.  She would have to stand strong beside him through anything that came their way.  She would be strong so that when the day comes that Barry loses faith, she would be the force that brings it back.   

She let the chill of the passing breeze dry her eyes as she held tight onto her future.   

 

*******

In the midst of her healing, she loses her mother all over again.

Well first, she had to find out that her mother hadn't even died all those years ago.  No, she didn't leave this Earth peacefully, she had just left their house, leaving behind a fractured home.  And with her, she took a brother away, no more than just three months along in her pregnancy.

At that point, Iris pushed her mother's memories so far behind the dark recesses of her mind that she couldn't bring herself to feel the pain she probably should have.  But more than that, she had a new brother she wasn't quite sure she wanted to know and a father to protect.

To tell or not to tell.  That was the question.

But the longer she went harboring the dark secrets her mother had shared with her, the longer Iris felt hollowed out by the thought of hurting her father.  It reminded her of the anger and betrayal she had felt when Barry and her father kept his identity as The Flash a secret and now she was the one carrying a secret for the sake of protecting her loved one.

Of course, her true north came through and pulled her out of her conundrum, voicing what she already knew.  She had to tell her father the truth.  And as she settled in Barry's arm, watching the first snowfall of the year, she knew things would be ok even as she dreaded the hurt that would follow.   

With the tragedy of her mother passing, she did gain a wonderful brother for whom she held more love than she ever thought possible considering he was a stranger.  But, from the moment she saw his face and saw her dad's eyes (her own eyes) in his, she felt like she had known him her whole life.

And suddenly the pain she had pushed away wasn't something she had to push away anymore because it was no longer there.  The resentment, the hurt that she had felt when she discovered that Francine West was actually capable of being a great mother disappeared when she met her bother because thank god she finally got her shit together.  She may have been a terrible mother to Iris, but at least she was a wonderful one to Wally and now Iris was gifted with an amazing brother who she loved fiercely.

Her heart was already filled with love.  She had Barry and her father nested there since she was young and when she thought she couldn't make space for anyone else, especially after Eddie, she realized her heart wasn't as bruised as she thought because before she knew it, Wally had taken up residence.  He fit snugly in her heart as if that space was waiting for him all along, as if her heart knew something before even she did.

So as she watched her reckless and angry brother make brash decisions to fight his ache, she knew she would set aside her pain and help him heal through the death of their mother.  She would steady on for him.

 

*******

A year and a half later Iris would find out that she was going to die.

As Barry stood before her, body so heavy with the weight of the news that he couldn't even stand up straight, Iris felt her body freeze, her mind incapable of registering the words that escaped his lips.  He leaned against the wall behind him, needing the support to keep him standing as he looked at her with anguish and guilt.  It's all my fault, this is all my fault.  The words left unsaid but ringing in his gaze.

But she couldn't even process the look in his eyes because there stood the love of her life telling her that she wouldn't even have a life in the near future.

She had turned away because she couldn't think with him looking at her like that, she couldn't grasp what he was telling her, didn't want to.  And then slowly the fear and dread came creeping in, taking over her body as she asks the question she didn't know she wanted the answer to.

"How long?"

"How long what?" he asks.

The weariness was so heavy in his voice, telling her he had been carrying this secret for a while now.  The nightmares, the way she'd catch him staring at her with this look in his eyes as if he had been missing her for years, the way he'd make love to her with a hint of desperation every night, clutching her to him as if he was trying to fuse their bodies together, trying so hard to keep her there with him…it all made sense.  Barry had always been a passionate individual, it's why she was drawn to him when they first met as kids, but for the last month, as they settled into their new home, there was something different in his touch.  The soft brush of his fingertips against her skin, the surprise kisses pressed against the back of her neck, the way he'd hold her even when they were doing simple things like watching tv or holding hands down the street.  

The ever-present reverence was tinged with something she couldn't define.  She had thought it was just them basking in the honeymoon phase of their relationship and taking advantage of having an entire place to themselves, but now she knew it was more than just that.

She was scared to ask, but she did anyway.  She needed to know.  “How long?”

“How long what?”  His voice, so worn as though it was dragging through gravel just to release a sound.

"How long until it happens?"  And as though the dam had cracked, Iris let out a sob as she turned to look at Barry.

He surged forward with a fieriness in his eyes that Iris hadn’t seen before as he gripped her arms and looked into her eyes telling her,  "This is _not_ going to happen.  Hey, look at me. This is not going to happen."

She barely heard his words over the sound of her own sobs, but he gripped her firmly and looked into her tearful eyes.  "I swear on both my parent's lives, I will protect you."

The baritone in his voice struck a chord in her, settling her heaving chest as she looked into his eyes.  Into the truth of his statement, knowing that she was safe with him and through the fear, she found it in herself to believe him.  She would always effortlessly put her trust in him.  She let out a breathy sob, falling into his strong arms that tightened around her, needing his strength and to believe this wasn't the end of their story.

They had told their friends because she knew if they had a fighting chance of keeping her alive, they couldn't do it alone.  After the tears had dried in the time vault, Iris took a deep breath under Barry's watchful gaze and from then on, Iris vowed that she wouldn't let herself fall apart.  If there was any semblance of a chance that she would indeed die in five months time, the desolation that would follow in Barry would be irreparable.  It wasn’t to say that Iris believed she was his life force, but after the years of pain he had suffered, of having to witness his beloved parents die in such violent and cruel ways, for him to be condemned to witnessing her brutal death would leave further scars he didn't need.

(Barry would later argue that she _was_ indeed his life force.  That he would be an empty shell of a man without her.)

There were some nights she'd slip out of bed, not wanting her restlessness to disturb the much-needed reprieve that he needed.  She'd wander downstairs and sit by the open window pondering about the life she had led and the life she wanted to live.  On more morbid nights when she feels settled in the idea that her fate was sealed, she'd think that she had a great run, resigning herself to the fact that this was it.

There were moments in the midst of it all that she felt like she was genuinely ok, moments she'd spend with Barry as he sat across from her at Jitters and take in the way his adorable face would look down at the menu in such concentration she would've thought it was his first time visiting the place.  She takes in the shape of his face, the long lashes that she loved and envied at the same time, the thick eyebrows she'd trace sometimes.  She'd look into his unfairly gorgeous green eyes that melted her heart and never failed in their adoring gaze.

Every time, god every time he looked at her, she felt it deep inside her.  That love that escaped definition.  That love that consumed her very being, the love that she knew she returned just as passionately.  It was enough to keep her sane some days.  

That was at the top of the list of things she would miss about him.  Along with the way he'd get giddy with excitement when a new comic book came out.  And yes, he _giggled_ and it was cutest damn thing she had ever seen.  She'd miss waking up to him singing in the shower because despite the fact that she wasn't exactly a morning person the sound of his melodious tune gently eased her back into the waking world. She'd miss the way he'd lean his head against her shoulder whenever they watched Mr. Darcy confess his love to Lizzie Bennett.  She remembered how he was reluctant to watch it the first time she had suggested it, preferring the grandiosity of Transformers instead, but once she managed to cajole him, there was no turning back.  He was hooked and would gladly watch it with her for the hundredth time.  She'd miss the way he'd flash into the loft and pull her into a spontaneous dance for no good reason.  She'd let out a peal of laughter, her head tossed back as he spun her around in his arms.

"You're in a good mood today," she'd say.

"How can I not be when I have you to come home to?" He would beam at her the brightest smile, before spinning her out of his arms and then back into his embrace.

"You're such a cornball, you know that?"

He'd sigh happily and plant a hard kiss on her lips, his hand holding her head secure under the force of his lips.

"You love me, anyway."  And oh did she love him, cornball and all.

And then there were moments that were quiet and heated in the sanctuary of their bedroom.  Moments where he'd eagerly but gently rid her of her clothing, his soft hands gliding across her smooth skin like he was in awe of the treasure she was.  Moments where he'd slide his lips down her body and bring her the release that only he could.  Their tongues tangling, gasps of breaths mingling as their bodies moved in time with one another, a perfect harmony that was just them.  His gentle hands getting lost in her silky strands in the aftermath, stroking in a soothing manner that calmed her racing heart as she pressed her ear against his. Barry and Iris, the Gold Standard.  Nothing in the world could ever beat that feeling of being so enamored with him and by him.

Then the day came when Iris finds out that the monster hell-bent on killing her was some version of her fiancé.  Well…she was too deep in the madness to even have a thought about that.

Some days she would walk outside onto their balcony and look out at the city she loved, her home.  She'd ponder about the world and how much of it she had wanted to see, how much of it she thought she would get to see.  There was so much she had wanted to explore, so much more she wanted to do with her life.  She had dreams of fighting alongside The Flash and CCPD to bring justice to the city.  She had dreams of chasing stories no matter how far and wide they took her and hopefully one day make a difference in the world.   Alas, the fates had other plans and she would be condemned to a short life instead.

Other days she would feel numb.  Truly and utterly numb.  So close to the edge, so close to letting the dam break, Iris shoved the storm inside her away from the surface.  If she wanted she could scream and shout until her lungs burned and her vocal chords shattered.  She could cry and rage about how it was all so unfair.

But that was life.  It didn't favor one person over another based on grief and tragedy.  Barry was a perfect example of that.  What had he done to deserve losing both of his parents before him in such a violent and cruel way?  And then to lose her in a horrific and just as violent of a way before his eyes.  What had he done to be doomed to such a fate?

But then Barry would be the first to say how lucky he's been in life despite it all.  How he loves his life and is eternally grateful for what it brought him.  How he loved her more than anything and it was that love that surrounded the tragedies in its glowing, protective embrace.

So as she woke every morning, whether the sun was shining bright or hiding behind dark clouds, she got out of bed, ready to face the day.  The world kept turning and she would have to move with it.  Even if she did only have mere months to live.   _Especially_ , if she only had mere months to live.  She wouldn’t allow herself to merely exist, waiting for the darkness to take her because she had promises to keep—to her loves ones and to herself—and miles to go before she would sleep for the final time.  In the time she has, whether they were just months or beyond, she would live.

Iris West was not one to go down without a fight and this was a battle she intended to win.  So she dried her eyes and vowed to be strong.  She had her life to protect.

 

*******

Only moments later, she loses the love of her life.  Or so it felt just mere moments.

They barely had time bask in the relief of knowing that they wouldn't be separated, that Iris would, in fact, live to see another day.  And then came the Speed Force in a storm of lightning wreaking havoc in all of Central City.  It had to have been some kind of record.  They'd had a moment of peace for what…five whole minutes?  Five whole minutes in which Iris felt whole again.  The pain that sat in her chest for the past five months barely left a residual ache—the only ache that remained was the death of H.R—feeling relieved that for the first time in what felt like a long time, she got to sit beside her husband-to-be and finally plan the rest of forever together.

But, the fates had other plans.

Fate, the Speed Force, whatever it was that was responsible, felt that Barry hadn't suffered enough.  That he hadn't already paid a hefty price for his mistake.  She had to wonder what kind of twisted entity was out there that her love had to constantly pay the price of one decision that anyone else would have made under the circumstance.  Why did he have to keep being punished so cruelly?  As if bearing the crushing guilt he carried for being responsible for her grotesque death wasn't punishment enough.  Not that Iris ever for a second blamed him.  God, she could never because he was only human.  But still he had to suffer, _still,_ it wasn't enough that he had to witness the consequences of his actions countless times in his nightmares and reality in the in the midst of fighting the despair and hopelessness.  And the wonderful maraschino on top that the fates offered was exiling him, forcing him to leave her just as he was allowed to breathe again.  Still, _still_ paying the price for Flashpoint.

Barry Allen was not a god and the twisted one that existed was hell-bent on proving that.  She carried the heinous anger and bitterness in her heart as she heeded the promise she made to him.  She would keep running, she would keep fighting and carry on his legacy until he returned.  She would be front and center and make sure she was there to see it through.

In the months that followed, Iris had created an armor for more steely than any of the metal Savitar could have put together for his suit.  There were moments she would stare at pictures of her fiancé as she thought about him lost in the Speed Force while other nights were spent looking out into the night sky with vacant eyes as she thought about how she had killed the man that shared her love's face.

In the midst of the team scrambling to save Iris, she barely allowed herself a moment to think about the gravity of the situation.  Of how twisted it was to find that some version of Barry was so plumed in pain and rage that he would seek to kill her.  After Barry had revealed their Earth-2 doppelgängers were married and then again to find that even in Flashpoint Barry and Iris found their way to each other, there wasn't a shadow of doubt in her heart that they were meant to be.  Even if she hadn't been privy to such privileged information, there was the feeling in her chest that never faded.  Since they were children, Iris felt this glow in her heart that never faded even in the wake of grief and heartbreak and she knew it was because of Barry.  She knew it was because her soul was forever tied to the most beautiful and genuine man she had ever met.  She felt blessed every day he was in her life.

And it was with that feeling her soul, Iris believed there could never exist a version of either of them that didn't love each other.  But here was Savitar, so cold and callous that he was fighting to kill her in such a calculating manner.  At first, she had been shocked and devastated, but when she looked at Barry's horror-stricken face, she knew it didn't matter.  It didn't erase the adamantine hold they had over each other, that powerful and indestructible love that transcended definition.

In the brief moments, she was in Savitar's company, everything became clearer.  It wasn't his hatred for her, but hatred for the world that rejected him that propelled his actions.  The wounds he bore ran far deeper than their love because, in his version of their life, they didn't have each other.  The memories he had of falling for her, of making love to her, of proposing…they were merely just that: memories.  Memories of events that he shared with Barry, who was a version of him that he envied and hated.  Memories that he knew of but didn’t feel, as though Barry's life had been a movie he watched.

When Iris had come face to face with Savitar, cautiously approaching him to touch his scarred face, it wasn't a ruse.  Because as much as she hated the torment he had caused, she wasn't trying to manipulate him with false affections.  In that moment she truly wanted to save him because it went against her nature to ever deny rescuing Barry's soul.  She would never not try or fight for him.

But alas, Savitar wasn't Barry,  that had become abundantly clear.  She couldn't save him and she would live with the guilt of ending his life, but that was nothing compared to the complete and utter relief she felt as she ran into Barry's arm.

Barry, who was so warm and loving and alive, his heart beating against hers as he wrapped her tight in his cherishing arms.

That relief didn't last long once Barry was taken away from her and eventually, she had to turn down every photo him, the good memories mixed with the bad too painful for her to bear.  In a way, it kept her distant from the pain as she tried to settle into living an independent life.  She had attempted to sleep in their bed for maybe a minute before she decided she would never lie in it without him.  There was a strange numbness that had descended upon her, it was as though she had shut off a flip inside of her that brought in the light.  In the rare moments she let herself feel anything, she recognized that she was trying to shove aside her feelings because she knew the moment she let herself feel his loss would be the moment she would crumble and she didn’t know if she would ever be able to come back from that.

Her friends and family had told her to have faith that he would return but she knew that if she allowed herself to hope she would be bringing herself closer to the edge.  She had to hold on strong and keep Barry in her heart because if she did fall apart, there would be no one there to piece her back together.  No one who would be able to in the way her fiancé could.  He was the glue that kept her together.  Because even when Iris lost Eddie, there was Barry standing tall and strong like a warrior for her and she had never more felt so secure and safe than she did in his arms, knowing he was there.  Knowing that he would always keep her from losing herself.

But now there was no more Barry.  She didn't even know what this all meant, whether he was still alive or just stuck.  All she did know was that she had to keep her eyes dry and her heart steely.  She thought of that poem stayed with her after she thought her mother had died.  In the moments she felt the despair reaching for her, seeking to swallow her whole in its dark caverns, she reminded herself of the words again.

_The woods are lovely, dark and deep,_

_But I have promises to keep,_

_And miles to go before I sleep,_

_And miles to go before I sleep._

Because as easy as it would be to succumb to the darkness, Iris West was, above all, a fighter.  And she had promises to keep and miles to go before she sleeps.

 

*******

By the time Barry is sentenced to prison for the "rest of his natural life," Iris's soul felt worn, but with the strength of him in her heart, she held on steady, fighting with every fiber of her being to keep running so that they could have their life together.  By that time, Iris West-Allen was so over the pity and the sorrows that she held tough and knew the day she was able to touch him again would come.

And so it did.

Twenty days of working at the helm to rid Central City of criminals, twenty days of tirelessly working into the night seeking a way to liberate her husband, she finally got him back.  He was finally home.

"You’re my home," he had replied with that sweet signature smile that was all hers.  And as she returned his soft kiss, with her silent reply.   _You're my home too._

Iris had already known at that point that Barry Allen was the light of her life.  She knew that this wonderful, amazing, beautiful man belonged to her and that he would give up everything for her.  She felt his love all around her even when he wasn't there.  And it was then that Iris accepted that while Barry Allen belonged to her, The Flash—at least a fraction of him—belonged to the world and she was surprised to find that…she was okay with that.      

Her husband was destined for great things as a hero and some wise old man had said at some point "With great power comes great responsibility."

Truer words couldn't have applied to Barry and she knew that despite the heartache and suffering he has faced, he possessed the heart of a hero and it would be that heart that lead him to greater things.

(She later comes to term with the fact that she too was a hero.)

She knows their adventures were far from over.  She knows there's more grief to come as she thinks back to the headline that she would be writing herself in just six years.  But, it didn't matter, she had a life to live and oh did she intend to live it.  She intends to more than just survive, she intends to bring life into the world with Barry and make sure they got the chance to live their lives.  She would make sure their children would have a fighting chance of leading blooming lives.  She had plans and nothing was going to stop her from seeing them come true.

Iris West-Allen was never one to back down from a challenge even if it was her husband the one presenting it to her.  She would stand by his side just as she vowed to at the age of eight and again exactly twenty years later.  She had endured enough pain and tragedies in her life to give up now and she never would.

She had souls to protect.  After all, she was a hero in her own right.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Woot that's done now. I really hope I did Iris some justice and validated her emotions through the all the wreckage. And while I am pro-Eddie, I never shipped them, but I do hope I was able to balance her feelings for him in a believable way while expressing her suppressed feelings for Barry. That was maybe the harder part for me. Anyways, enough rambling, I really hope you guys enjoy this installment and I would love to hear your thoughts! Thank you for your patience!

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for making it to the bottom, would love to hear your thoughts! (Also, Speak of the Trapped is still happening, just will take a bit of time :/ )
> 
> This was initially supposed to be a one-shot, but spiraled out of control so part 2 should be up soon.


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